Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
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