I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
