You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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