did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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