smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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