U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
