i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
