when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
He better not be in your backpack
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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