Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
