Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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