My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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