Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
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