I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
