I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
