1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
