Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
