I want to have your abortion
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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