On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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