I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I think im going to throw up on grandma
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Is it penis luge time yet?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
