I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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