mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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