Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
