I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
