Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
