he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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