I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
