I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
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