I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
