Already got asked if we're dating
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
