She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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