as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Randomize
