So drunk, too bad you don't want this
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
