what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
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