I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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