i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
