I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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