I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
So many bounce houses so little time
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
