I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
we made out on top of his cat.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
