I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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