ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
