Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
