I think im going to throw up on grandma
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
