how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
