dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I showed him my bush... on skype.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
