Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize