Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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