It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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