At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
