Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
