OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
