I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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