I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
