I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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