Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
The uberlube is also flammable
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Randomize
