The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
