I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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