I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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