If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
